Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
