I need to stop coming to work sober
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
