i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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