Screwed.edu
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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