Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
