I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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