Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
