He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
