Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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