def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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