The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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