ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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