saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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