accomplished twins. life is a go
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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