I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
