Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
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