Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
