Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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