Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
