To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
