in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
