in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
