I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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