what day is it and did you see me today?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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