I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
