I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
