May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
