I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
