we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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