Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
