It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
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is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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