my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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