Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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