she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
