Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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