when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
