im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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