He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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