My cat gives me a boner
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
