Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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