one might say we're banned from that church
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
