No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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