thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
