so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
