Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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