Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
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the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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