Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
even my farts smell like vagina
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
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