At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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