Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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