I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
