I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
