well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
