I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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