I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
