I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
