i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
