Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize