So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
