Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
